Embracing the dark

(From a Sunday service I led for the Sugarloaf Unitarian Universalist Congregation in Germantown, Maryland on November 26, 2017)

I never used to like this time of year very much. The days are short, and sunset comes too soon. My eyes crave light. I have seasonal depression, which makes the lack of daylight difficult.

But this year, I decided that instead of fighting the darkness, I’ll try to welcome it. So I remind myself to enjoy the last lingering leaves on some trees, the greenness of the lawns, the sunsets. When my dog and I walk outside before dawn, I focus on the beauty of the stars, the first glimmers of light in the eastern sky. On cloudy days I picture the world wrapped in warm fluffy gray blankets.

In agricultural communities, this is the time of year when outdoor work slows down. The harvests are over. Animals are led back from distant pastures to spend the winter in barns and stables. People retreat indoors to mend tools, repair garments, and rest a little from their labors.

This is the time to gather around a roaring fire and listen to stories. This is the time to dream. This is the time to envision a better future for ourselves and those who come after us.

Yule, the Winter Solstice, is still a few weeks away. Solstice means the sun’s stillness, and in some folk myths this is thought to be a time when the sun stops moving. Yule is the pause between one life and another, a time to consider the choices lying before us. Yule is when the light stops growing less, and begins to increase. Light is reborn from the womb of darkness.

In many myths, light represents good, and dark is something to fear. But darkness is not inherently evil. The dark becomes frightening only when we deny and reject it. We need to go into our darkness and make peace with it in order to find healing and renewal.

When we embrace the dark, and let ourselves enter the unknown places in our minds, we can be led toward healing, transformation and renewal. It is only in the dark of night that we see the stars of the cosmos. And we can emerge back into the light of day with new insights.

Today, we will journey with our minds into the darkness of a sacred cave, hoping to meet spirit animals and see visions. What else might we encounter in the cave? Are there crystals, stalactites, stalagmites? Are there ancient paintings of humans and animals on the walls? Is there a light in the darkness?

In ancient shamanic traditions, animals appeared in dreams as powerful allies. Deer, eagles, crows, wolves, foxes, dogs, bobcats, turtles and horses are among the creatures that can become protective guardians in our visions.

Bears in particular are spiritually important to many peoples. They are sacred to many Native American tribes, to the Scandinavians of pre-Christian Europe and the Ainu people of Japan. Today, our guide into the cave will be a mother bear, bearing a cub in her womb. She is a safe companion for us and will protect us.

You may encounter another animal along the way. You can ask it if it is your spirit animal. If it is, try to stay with the animal until you hear the drum calling you back. If it is not, keep going. You might meet another animal, or find a teacher. Ask questions.

I will play a recording of shamanic drumming. When it is time to come back from this meditation, you will hear a set of drumbeats to call you back to this space we share. Here’s how it sounds:

BEAT DRUM.

Please make yourselves comfortable in your seats, feet on the floor, your hands relaxed, your eyes closed. Now let’s take several slow deep breaths, letting the air out slowly. Feel yourself relaxing.

It is late autumn on a misty afternoon. You are walking on a path deep in the woods. As you walk, you can hear the drip of moisture from the trees and bushes. You smell fallen leaves on the damp ground. The path is leading you to higher ground, climbing up the side of a hill. You hear a lone crow call.

As you walk, you begin to notice a living presence in front of you. When you follow it along the rising path, the mist parts a little. You see that it is a bear, a mother bear pregnant with cubs. You are not afraid, because you can sense great love and peace coming from her. She is making her way up the hill, through the dripping trees, around mossy boulders and past fallen logs. Her paws make soft sounds on the wet leaves that cover the path. Mama Bear climbs further into the rocky parts of the hill, sniffing the ground, searching. She comes to a halt. There is something dark amid the tumbled rocks and leafless bushes, It is the entrance to a cave.

She enters the cave and you go in behind her. It is dark, but you can hear her as she leads you further down into the cool recesses. Finally she stops, circles a few times, and settles down comfortably, with a soft sigh. It is her winter hibernation time. Somehow you hear her voice in your mind, inviting you to curl up beside her.

You sit down next to her and lean against her coarse, thick fur. Her breathing slows. You feel sleepy, and you feel that the darkness may be full of wonderful mysteries. Feeling the warmth of Mama Bear’s body next to you, you begin to dream.

In your dream, some kind of animal appears. You know that this is your protector animal, and you know that whatever follows, you will be kept safe.

Play drumming CD to end

Welcome back to the daylight world, to the members of the Sugarloaf Congregation around you. Take a couple of minutes to stretch if you like. If any of you would like to stay in the yurt afterward and share your experience, I will be here.

Now please rise if you are able and join in singing Hymn number 55, Dark of Winter.

Alleluia – what does it mean?

We’ve all heard the word alleluia spoken or sung. Sometimes it’s pronounced and spelled hallelujah.

I realized a while back that I knew almost nothing about the word alleluia. So I decided to do some online research. Among other things, I learned that the main difference between alleluia and hallelujah is that the alleluia is a word used in liturgies and hallelujah is a religious song.

Nowadays it’s often used as a way to say HOORAY. It also means thank God, or more formally, praise God or praise the Lord.

If you look it up online, or in one of those archaic information storage devices called a dictionary, you will discover that the traditional meaning of the word is PRAISE THE LORD. It’s said to be derived from two Hebrew words, hillel or hallel meaning an exhortation of joyous praise, and Yah, an abbreviation of Yahweh, the name of God.

The word Alleluia is used 24 times in the book of Psalms in the Old Testament, twice in other books of the Old Testament, and four times in the Christian Book of Revelation.

New Testament accounts of the Last Supper state that Jesus and his disciples “sang a psalm” or “hymn” after the meal, which was probably the Hallel. The Last Supper was almost certainly a celebration of the Passover, and Jesus, like any other Jew in the first century, would have known how to chant the Psalms in Hebrew, especially the famous Hallel psalms which were an integral part of the Passover.

I also found out that there are words resembling alleluia in other languages. Please overlook my mistakes in trying to pronounce some of them!

In Arabic, there’s hallil, meaning ‘praise!’ And Alhamdulillah (Al-hamdu lillaah) is an Arabic phrase meaning Praise be to God or Thank God. Some sources argue that Hallelujah is a linguistic compression of another Arabic phrase ‘halilu lillah’ (halil li Allah) “raise your voices in hailing Allah”.

Would you believe alleluia can also be a battle cry, a pesky lawn weed, or part of a Greek myth?

Now, some linguists trace the root of “hallelujah” to the ancient and still existing practice of repetitive ululation: “ha-la-la-la-la....” which is usually done by women, mainly in the Middle East and parts of Africa and India. It’s used to express joy, but also for mourning and sorrow.

The word might even come from ancient Sumeria. I found part of a NY Times article about the first dictionary of the Sumerian language. One of the dictionary’s co-editors, Erlc Leichty, was quoted saying hallelujah was originally a Sumerian word, pronounced ”E-el-lu-lil-lum”. What it means I never found out, because it’s behind a Times paywall.

But on one website I did find a Sumerian proverb written down 4,000 years ago. It reads:

(What characterizes) the carpenter is the chisel

(What characterizes) the reed weaver is the basket

The blacksmith (is known to) make tiny sides

(What characterizes) the professional singer is ua alala

The word Alala, for the ancient Babylonians, was the name of a god who personified a song of joy, not unlike our Hallelujah. In both Sumerian and another ancient language called Akkadian, ‘alala,’ and ‘alalu,’ are exclamations of joy.

And in ancient Greece, Alala was the name of a goddess of war. That name probably came from a battle tactic of Greek warriors. When they marched into striking distance of an enemy, they broke into a battle cry of “Alala!” or “Eleleu!” while banging their weapons against their shields to scare enemy horses. The Greek poet Hesiod, who lived around 700 years BC, claimed that Athenians used Eleleu because it sounded like an owl, the sacred bird of their patron goddess Athena.

The Roman poet Ovid wrote that Eleleu was a common nickname for Dionysus among the Greeks. He added that Eleleu or Alale is a loud cry or shout – joyous, dolorous, or defiant.

Plutarch, a Greek historian and writer of the late first and early second centuries AD, told the story of the hero Theseus, who was sent to kill a monster called the Minotaur.

When Theseus succeeded and returned to Greece, his crew forgot to take down the ship’s black sail, which symbolized sorrow. Theseus’s father King Aegeus saw the black sail from the Acropolis. In his grief, thinking Theseus was killed, he threw himself to his death. So the people waiting on the shore cried “Eleleu, iou, iou!” — the eleleu meaning triumph, and the iou, iou part meaning consternation and confusion.

The Theseus legend and the phrase, “Eleleu! iou! iou!, were memorialized in a grape harvest festival honoring the wine god Dionysus. Worshipers used the cry so much that they became known as the Eleleides.

War, joy, triumph, praise, sorrow.

So why is the word alleluia spoken, sung or shouted in Catholic and Protestant churches and in some Unitarian Universalist congregations on Easter Sunday?

A Catholic website I found explains that they view Alleluia as a song for preparing to hear the Gospels: “The word is an attempt to write out the sound of joy and praise that has been coming from the human heart for thousands of years. Think of the ululation of Middle Eastern peoples, the rapid tongue noises at times of joy and of mourning. This can be written out as “le-lu-le-lu.” By adding breathing sounds before and after, we would roughly have “a-le-lu-a,” or ALLELUIA. It is an expression of great praise and belief. So connected with praise and joy is it that we do not sing it at all during Lent”

My daughter enlightened me further about this in an email.

“Hi Mom,” she wrote. “I was gingerly brushing my teeth when a phrase popped into my head: “Bury the Allelulia.” That was the phrase I needed to remember. I was correct in that it is removed from the Liturgy during Lent. “

She found an explanation for the phrase online. One of the traditions in France was writing the word Alleluia beautifully on a board and burying it in the church garden at the beginning of Lent, to be dug up again at Easter.

And while we’re mentioning gardens, alleluia is also the English folk name for true wood sorrel, which has white or pink flowers and blooms around Easter time there. It’s closely related to the common wood sorrel, which has little yellow flowers and spreads annoyingly over our flowerbeds.

So today it’s Easter, time to dig up our own Alleluia

and bring it out again.

Why do we Unitarian Universalists say Alleluia on Easter?

Reverend Robin Bartlett wrote that Unitarian Universalists

“say Hallelujah because we need resurrection now more than ever.

New life where there once was death.

Hope in the face of fear.

We need to say, “yes, life, I will hold you like a face between my palms, and I will try to love you again.”

Love wins! Hallelujah!”

Alleluia!

Say it with me!

Alleluia!

Say it louder!

Alleluia!

And so this service ends.

From a 2019 Easter service I led at the Sugarloaf Congregation f Unitarian Universalists, Germantown, Maryland.

Be the dark

Be still.

Be the dark

Be the breath of night

Be silence.

Turn inward.

Be your own breath.

Feel your own dark.

Hear it whispering.

Listen

What does it say?

What does it say?

What is it saying to you?

Listen.

Hear.

Hear the voice of the dark.

Feel

Feel the breath of night.

Feel the cold of night.

Feel yourself at the center of a universe

that spins and flows around you.

Feel your smallness.

Feel yourself a singular pulse of energy

racing among stars and galaxies.

Feel.

Sleep.

Sleep breathing deeply.

Sleep safe in the arms of night.

Sleep, growing warm and gentle, like animals

that dream winter dreams

in secret caves.

Sleep.

Dream.

Dream the dreams of stars.

Dream the dreams of the sleeping Earth.

Dream of your earthly body.

Dream of dancing.

Feel.

Feel the stirring.

Feel your soft breathing quicken.

Feel a spark kindle.

Change.

Turn.

Feel.

Wake.

Wake to the lessening dark

Wake to your heart beating with anticipation.

Wake, stand, stretching your earthly body.

Wake, and see light.

Wake.

See

See the first gleam

See incandescence

See the sun transfigure what was dark

into day.

See it light Earth’s body, your body, your blessed spark,

illuminating all.

Dance.

Rejoice.

Be.

Anita Susi

December 21, 2022

A mostly silent conversation between us many years we are old friends

It goes something like this: Nice green oh a weed pull it out The lilies are in bloom Must smellOh like cinnamon these gorgeous Asian lilies Don’t get our pollen on your nose it’s for the butterfliesThe tomatoes want water and Tums hurry up and Where is all this crabgrass coming from anyway?mwa ha haBut I spread corn gluten when the forsythias bloomedThey never say which day besides sometimes they bloom again in the Fall. I will vanquish all declares creeping Charlie Lotsa luck replies woodsorrel shaking its seed pods and nimbleweed gets its two cents in but here come the violets ha ha pulling up fat pods of late summer seeds to make more violets and still more violets and still more violets. Everyone hates the lawn grass is so boring watch out there are honeybees browsing the clover praise Goddess there are actual bees and they loved the bee balm and now yum the echinaceas such a pretty lavender pink like sunsets. There’s a baby pumpkin so cute tickle me but the contrarian vine somehow decided to make it start high up on the bird nettingSomeone’s got to find an old pair of pantyhose to make a sling for little punkie butWho is eating the pumpkin blossoms along the ground rascally rabbits or maybe squirrels?There are black squirrels in Mirkwood and also in Derwood the deer munch and munch and munch on the hostas the lilies the sedums and even the new azaleaDrat themWhy can’t they eat the creeping bentgrassLook at all the dead branches on the poor chestnut trees all the cicadas’ fault I never knew they adore chestnuts to lay eggs on what a mess but those cicadas sure were cute funny red eyes and golden gossamer wings and singing and chattering So long for another 17 yearsDon’t forget to writeWe need rain we are thirsty want rain won’t you please do a rain dance but that’s cultural appropriation!What do Estonians do to call rainPour vodka on offering stones?But I’m not there either I only wish help I’m caught between culturesShut up and go deadhead the sages before they spread seeds beg the pinks in the side garden. I’m on it.

August 9, 2021

Planting

I am digging the wrong soil.

This is the red, serious clay of central Maryland,

of the piedmont parted by the Potomac’s path

to the blue-gray waters of the singing Chesapeake.

This soil has its own rituals

and rememberings.

Tall corn seed and ancestors were buried here;

offerings were made to them.

My ancestors lie in a stone-fenced grove,

in the black and battle-worn soil

that redeems generation after generation.

Once I raked it carefully into fine lines

around the headstones of grandparents,

longing for time to plant something and give it water,

watch the first leaves emerge,

see it flower and yield seed.

I wanted someplace to eat fruit of my own planting,

sustained by the same earth that fed

those that came before me.

But home is not there.

I struggle to learn the land I inhabit.

Caught in the great currents of air

that travel between indifferent coasts,

my spirit searches restlessly for a place to be planted,

to find that which all seeds and ancestors seek:

the place to sleep,

renew, and then sustain.

Dec. 6, 2005.

Death by wind

Just when you’ve reached the desired

level of resignation, achieved

the long sour look of the bleached land,

the hollow eyes of the long fast;

come to terms with everlasting melts and freezes,

unpredictable slips and skids

on invisible ice;

just then, March comes to beat

death out of you.

Intolerably it lashes eyes,

swallows breath entirely,

forces you coughing to your knees

gasping to find a breath,

when all you expected

was withering,

then silence.

It bellows curses, flings

the parts of you anyhow covered in blood and bruises,

daring you to discover them

and string them in sentences

that speak of redemption,

of mercy, or maybe the final shove

into the icy sea of the living.

3/5/11

Paelakene

Läksin hiie leinamasse

Kandsin kaasa paelakese

Sinilise paelakese

Mälestuseks ohvrikene

Läksin kasepuue alla

Kaselehte kaitse alla

Panen paelajuppikese

Hiiekase oksale

Seon kaseoksale

Sinilise paelake

Paelakene, ohvrikene

Panin hiie oksale

Kaseoks see kasvab ikka

Tädipoja mälestuseks.

/

July 18, 2009

Summer Solstice

Sun goes into the nest of night

high in the tree with the leaves so green

She folds her wings and bends her head

and shuts her shining amber eyes

while the leaves rustle and lull her to sleep.

/

Smoke drifts from nearby midsummer fires

scenting the air with resin and herbs.

Light fades, the sky is washed with silver,

never quite dark on this longest day.

/

Far below, on the ground, the search begins

for the magical fern that blooms this night

with the fabled flower of marvelous luck.

Voices and laughter sound through the wood.

/

At dawn the Sun opens her throat in song

and rises to show her golden egg

born in the night, in the nest so high,

on the tree of life, with the leaves so green.

She raises bright wings and dances and sways

and lifts to the air trailing fiery light.

/

The egg in the nest quickens and waits

six moons till the time of the longest night.

Then hatches in splendor, this new young sun

waiting her turn to spread wings and take flight.

/

6/20/17 / revised 6/19/21

Anita Susi

The Twelve Days of Poop Toys

As I observed in the previous post, this holiday season has been absolutely flooded with excreta. Even children’s toys reflect the disturbingly fecal motif that has permeated our society.

One can’t help wondering if this wallowing in vulgarity reflects lowered standards everywhere.

The chief executive in the White House certainly has lowered the tone of the nation by his constant tweeting of verbal abuse, rude name-calling and outright nonsense. Alleged hush money payments to former mistresses? He should be ashamed of himself. I cannot imagine any of our previous presidents behaving in such a disgusting and immature manner. And as they say, the fish rots from the head down.

Or is all this poop frenzy another way of weakening the moral fiber of our nation by trivializing and cheapening everything in our lives? Are the corporations and the 1% telling us that we are trash, and that all we deserve is trash?

Look at the flimsy “instant fashion” clothes that fall apart after two or three washings. Cars that break down before the car loans are paid off. New homes built cheaply and riddled with problems. TV and films show degrading, violent crap.

What is there to inspire and to elevate us? What is there to respect, to admire, to try and emulate?

Our elected leaders? Bah! America is flushing itself down the toilet.

There are poop toys and gross toys galore to bring squeals of joy when children open their presents on Christmas morning. Personally, I am not thrilled.

1. For kids age 4 to 15 there’s a game called “Gooey Louie — Pull the Gooey Boogers Out Until His Head Pops Open”. The toy box helpfully advises “Pick a winner!”

2. Help your kids aged 36 months and up improve their hand-to-eye coordination and develop fine motor skills with a poop fishing game called Fishing for Floaters. The manufacturer, alesToys, describes this as an educational, creative and sensory product that teaches tots “how to be patient and work with dexterity to achieve what they want.”

Not only is this game decreed to be educational, but “the fishing rods and other characters are made of high quality materials and non toxic plastic that was tested according to the standard ASTM F963-17 & CPSIA.” (Wow, no crap in these plastic poops.) Just toss the dozen poop emoji “floaters” into the tub or pool and let the child use the fishing rod or net to catch them.

The advertising material says this poop fishing game is “great for indoor and outdoor use, bathroom, swimming pool, amusement parks, plastic portable pools, inflatable duck tubs, traveling, long car rides, camping, holidays and more. ” I am deeply mystified as to how kids play with this during a long car ride. Does one give them a tub of water, fill the car with water or what?

3. Also for the younger set, ages 3+, is the Play Doh Poop Troop. Naturally some of the material is colored brown. It includes a poop mold plus plastic eyes, ears, arms and legs to transform the poop shape into a Mr. Potato Head type character.

4. Children old enough to wield a crayon can color in The Fart Before Christmas: A Christmas Farting Coloring Book for Kids and Adults, by Catherine Adams. Based on the classic The Night Before Christmas, this is described as a funny Christmas poem and coloring book “full of farts, fun and laughter”.

5. OMG. The Flushing Frenzy Game by Mattel. The instructions in the ad say, “When the poop flies out of the toilet, be the first player to grab it. If you can catch it in MIDAIR, you earn two tokens!” I don’t suppose this could inspire kids to play with the real thing, could it?

6. Rival toy company Hasbro is competing with their Toilet Trouble Game. Here’s their write-up:

“Share some hilarious and suspense-filled moments as players take turns spinning the toilet paper roll, flushing the toilet handle, and hoping they don’t get sprayed with water! The number that turns up on the paper roll spinner dictates how many times each player must flush. Players are safe if they hear the flushing sound, but no water is sprayed. Who knows which flush will be the one that sprays water, eliminating that player?”

7. Not to be outdone, a company called Basic Fun offers the Poopeez Series 1 Toilet Launcher Playset Squishy Collectible. Their description says “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown, LAUNCH it! Plop your Poopeez in the toilet, flush them, and wait for them to launch! The toilet launcher set comes with 2 exclusive characters. Just flush and launch, no tp required”. Recommended age: 4+

There’s also a PooPeez Toilet Launcher Playset. The goal of the game is to fling the poop into the toilet bowl using the toilet seat launchers. What could possibly go wrong here?

8. Sometimes I find it hard to believe these toy ads are serious. I give you, “We Wish You a Poopy Christmas: Fudgy the Poopman’s Collection of Christmas Classics Made Crappy”, written by Bonnie Miller and illustrated by Nicole Narvaez.

“Like an overindulgent holiday feast, this is the gift that just keeps giving. Packaged as a high quality hardcover and fully illustrated in bright colors (as well as brown), the holiday reboots include Silent but Deadly Night, The Nutcracker’s Dilemma, and The Twelve Days of Poopmas,” says the description. Is this a prank, or are these people nuts? I could not in a million years imagine my parents allowing me to have this, or any of the other items listed in the post. Nor would I have given these to my own kids or my grandchildren.

9. We mustn’t omit the Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo official video on YouTube.

10. Flush Force is Spinmaster’s new line of collectibles shaped like gross foods, animals, bodily emissions, and other things that end up in a toilet. There are over 150 to collect in different categories (Dump Divers, Mean Munchies, Putrid Parts).

Oh boy, wait till these lovely items are littered throughout the house, on the breakfast table, in the party punch bowl, or clogging up the real toilet.

To to find out which surprise Flushy item one buys, one fills up the toilet bowl with water, shakes, and opens the lid, according to the description. I think they mean some kind of plastic play toilet. At least I hope so.

But wait, there’s more.

The lucky owners can send their Flushies straight down the toilet with the Collect-A-Bowl! If you hit the handle, it promises to “fill the air with the sound of hilarious farts and flushes!”

11. One of the lamest ideas is a game called Poop the Potato. It’s apparently a knockoff of a party game in which one holds a real potato between the legs and waddles across the room to try dropping it in a bucket. The toy version contains a number of plastic potatoes and a plastic bucket. That’s all.

For $20 to $35? What’s wrong with using real potatoes and a wastebasket or something? What kind of idiot spends $20 or more for this? I’ll tell you — it’s the same idiots who spend $14.99 on an empty cardboard box called the Holiday Spirits Advent Calendar. YOU buy the booze and a dozen little bottles, fill them and stick them in the box as a gift.

12, You can eliminate the toy toilet and other embellishments and just go for the basics. As a grand finale, I present Sticky the Poo, by Hog Wild LLC. It’s described as a tacky, moldable “stress ball” styled like a poop emoji, that splats and sticks to most flat surfaces when flung. The ad says it’s “great for relieving tension at the office and pranking friends.”

Who needs to bundle up and go outdoors in the freezing cold for a snowball fight when one can stay in the warmth one’s own home and fling toy poops at one another. Now that’s the true spirit of Christmas!

And so endeth the Twelve Days of Poopmas. I don’t even want to know what they’re planning for next year’s holidays.

May your own holidays be poop-free and happy.

The 12 Abominations of Christmas

Every year, there are tackier and more tasteless offerings for celebrating the Christmas season.

Although I’m pagan/Unitarian Universalist, I’m as offended by them as Christians might be. Sure, some of these commercial products could be howlingly funny, particularly for eight-year-olds, in a different context. Sadly they make a mockery out of a major religious holiday celebrated around the world. Corporate America truly has done a bang-up job in turning Christmas into little more than a crass shopping competition.

I set forth for your consideration the Twelve Abominations of Christmas.

Abomination I

Take, for example, the colorful poop emoji tree ornaments being sold for $1 apiece at Five Below. Isn’t this exactly what folks need to mark the birth of Jesus? I spotted this revolting item in a store circular. Admittedly, Five Below is not a bastion of good taste. They peddle gaudy hot pink and purple fashion accessories and other foreign-made junk to pre-teens. You don’t even need to venture into a store: a similar-looking poop emoji ornament on Amazon sells for a mere $15.88.

Abomination II

Worse, there’s a 2018 Hallmark Sparkle Swirl Poop Emoji Christmas Ornament. Hallmark, for heaven’s sake. Have they no shame?

It appears the poop emoji has been a busy little holiday elf in the workshops of Asia. You can buy T-shirts featuring poop emoji dressed as a Christmas tree.

Abomination III

Even flashier is the festive Poop Emoji Led Lights Christmas T-Shirt, in both adult and infant sizes, just to make sure everyone knows you are cognizant of the Reason for the Season. And unfortunately in these times the reason is the poop emoji, heaven help us all.

Abomination IV

There are poop emoji holiday tablecloths and Christmas stockings and, unfortunately, a Christmas tree skirt dotted with purple you know whats. And then there is a toy called the Remote Control Poop Car With Spinning and Farting Action. Wouldn’t it make a fine Christmas present? Wrap it in Poop Emoji holiday wrapping paper and lay it on the purple poop emoji tree skirt, beneath a tree decked in sparkling poop emoji ornaments.

Abomination V

In keeping with the holiday spirit, I found a Christmas Plush Emoji Red Santa Poop Hat that everyone could wear while ripping into their packages.

Abomination VI

The nadir of tree horror is without question the Santa Elf Hat Poop Emoji Farting to Jingle Bells. Requires two batteries. Doesn’t that just SCREAM with Christmas spirit?

Abomination VII

Not to be outdone by the poop emoji in the tree ornament department, Mr. Hanky of South Park has got himself up in a plush brown covering topped with a Santa hat. There’s a matching Mrs. Hanky.

Abomination VIII

According to Amazon, the holiday Mr. Hanky is frequently purchased together with the fuzzy Tekky Toys Tootin Santa Farting Santa Butt Holiday Ornament. You press the button, and it toots “Deck the Halls.” I suppose we should be thankful that it’s not “Silent Night.”

Abomination IX

All the above would be disgustingly perfect on the right kind of tree. And that special tree could very well be the Redneck Nation Plunger Christmas Tree. Yep, a toilet plunger with fake evergreen branches. Tragically, this plunger is not designed for actual use.

Is there no end to the evil genius novelty companies?

But wait, there’s more!

What child wouldn’t be delighted with a traditional Advent calendar that counts the days until Christmas? I remember receiving pretty holiday calendars a a child. They held  miniature chocolates or trinkets hidden behind little cardboard doors marking each day from the beginning of Advent through Christmas Eve. No doubt most modern kids would find these fairly tame, if they even bothered  looking up from their electronic screens.

Abomination X

But in keeping with the spirit of the times, there’s an L.O.L. Surprise Outfit of the Day advent calendar with tiny fashion items concealed behind pictures of suitcases and tote bags. While hardly religious, they do salute the excessive mass consumerism that too many Americans celebrate. And if fashion accessories are not your kid’s cup of tea, Tar-ZHAY helpfully sells other Advent calendars with themes like Lego Star Wars, Paw Patrol and Jurassic World. Dinosaurs and Jesus, perfect together.

For older kids there are 12 Days of Socks and 12 Days of Nail Polish Advent calendars. Only the bozos who designed these somehow forgot that Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas and is closer to a month long, not 12 days.

I wondered if they sell pet Advent calendars with little hidden treats. I’m deeply sorry to report that there are loads of pet advent calendars available both online and in stores. Undoubtedly these items are for those upright God-fearing Christians intent on training upright, God-fearing dogs and cats, as Jesus, no doubt, would want.

For the grownups, there are all kinds of luxury Advent calendars loaded with upscale beauty products, colognes, fancy chocolates, rare teas and other expensive treats fit for a Kardashian.

Abomination XI

Then there’s the Holiday Spirits Advent Calendar, which consists of a meagerly decorated cardboard box with a lid and cardboard dividers. You supply both the alcohol and a dozen small bottles, fill the bottles and set them into the 12 slots. These kits are $14.99 each, plus shipping, for an empty cardboard box. Can you believe there are people who buy this stuff? Couldn’t the sellers at least include little bottles, for pity’s sake?

At least I have not found a Poop Emoji Advent calendar. Not yet.

Abomination XII

Nor have they dared mess with Nativity figurines thus far, although the gnome nativity set cuts it pretty close. However there is a Nativity Ugly Xmas Sweater, featuring Santa in place of Joseph. More appalling is the Tipsy Elves Men’s Sweet Baby Jesus Ugly Christmas Sweater, which displays a bearded infant Jesus strapped in a modern baby carrier.

But what can you expect from a Corporate America that markets and sells small kitchen appliances specifically to make grilled cheese sandwiches imprinted with the face of Jesus?

And don’t you wonder about the poor people toiling away in those overseas sweatshops churning out cheap goods for us? What must they think of us? Are they quietly snickering at the plastic poop emojis, fancy pet costumes, hideous toys and other nonsense that rolls off the production lines? Or do these things support their deep conviction that Americans are nincompoops?

Next:

The Abominable Toys of Christmas