As I observed in the previous post, this holiday season has been absolutely flooded with excreta. Even children’s toys reflect the disturbingly fecal motif that has permeated our society.
One can’t help wondering if this wallowing in vulgarity reflects lowered standards everywhere.
The chief executive in the White House certainly has lowered the tone of the nation by his constant tweeting of verbal abuse, rude name-calling and outright nonsense. Alleged hush money payments to former mistresses? He should be ashamed of himself. I cannot imagine any of our previous presidents behaving in such a disgusting and immature manner. And as they say, the fish rots from the head down.
Or is all this poop frenzy another way of weakening the moral fiber of our nation by trivializing and cheapening everything in our lives? Are the corporations and the 1% telling us that we are trash, and that all we deserve is trash?
Look at the flimsy “instant fashion” clothes that fall apart after two or three washings. Cars that break down before the car loans are paid off. New homes built cheaply and riddled with problems. TV and films show degrading, violent crap.
What is there to inspire and to elevate us? What is there to respect, to admire, to try and emulate?
Our elected leaders? Bah! America is flushing itself down the toilet.
There are poop toys and gross toys galore to bring squeals of joy when children open their presents on Christmas morning. Personally, I am not thrilled.
1. For kids age 4 to 15 there’s a game called “Gooey Louie — Pull the Gooey Boogers Out Until His Head Pops Open”. The toy box helpfully advises “Pick a winner!”
2. Help your kids aged 36 months and up improve their hand-to-eye coordination and develop fine motor skills with a poop fishing game called Fishing for Floaters. The manufacturer, alesToys, describes this as an educational, creative and sensory product that teaches tots “how to be patient and work with dexterity to achieve what they want.”
Not only is this game decreed to be educational, but “the fishing rods and other characters are made of high quality materials and non toxic plastic that was tested according to the standard ASTM F963-17 & CPSIA.” (Wow, no crap in these plastic poops.) Just toss the dozen poop emoji “floaters” into the tub or pool and let the child use the fishing rod or net to catch them.
The advertising material says this poop fishing game is “great for indoor and outdoor use, bathroom, swimming pool, amusement parks, plastic portable pools, inflatable duck tubs, traveling, long car rides, camping, holidays and more. ” I am deeply mystified as to how kids play with this during a long car ride. Does one give them a tub of water, fill the car with water or what?
3. Also for the younger set, ages 3+, is the Play Doh Poop Troop. Naturally some of the material is colored brown. It includes a poop mold plus plastic eyes, ears, arms and legs to transform the poop shape into a Mr. Potato Head type character.
4. Children old enough to wield a crayon can color in The Fart Before Christmas: A Christmas Farting Coloring Book for Kids and Adults, by Catherine Adams. Based on the classic The Night Before Christmas, this is described as a funny Christmas poem and coloring book “full of farts, fun and laughter”.
5. OMG. The Flushing Frenzy Game by Mattel. The instructions in the ad say, “When the poop flies out of the toilet, be the first player to grab it. If you can catch it in MIDAIR, you earn two tokens!” I don’t suppose this could inspire kids to play with the real thing, could it?
6. Rival toy company Hasbro is competing with their Toilet Trouble Game. Here’s their write-up:
“Share some hilarious and suspense-filled moments as players take turns spinning the toilet paper roll, flushing the toilet handle, and hoping they don’t get sprayed with water! The number that turns up on the paper roll spinner dictates how many times each player must flush. Players are safe if they hear the flushing sound, but no water is sprayed. Who knows which flush will be the one that sprays water, eliminating that player?”
7. Not to be outdone, a company called Basic Fun offers the Poopeez Series 1 Toilet Launcher Playset Squishy Collectible. Their description says “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown, LAUNCH it! Plop your Poopeez in the toilet, flush them, and wait for them to launch! The toilet launcher set comes with 2 exclusive characters. Just flush and launch, no tp required”. Recommended age: 4+
There’s also a PooPeez Toilet Launcher Playset. The goal of the game is to fling the poop into the toilet bowl using the toilet seat launchers. What could possibly go wrong here?
8. Sometimes I find it hard to believe these toy ads are serious. I give you, “We Wish You a Poopy Christmas: Fudgy the Poopman’s Collection of Christmas Classics Made Crappy”, written by Bonnie Miller and illustrated by Nicole Narvaez.
“Like an overindulgent holiday feast, this is the gift that just keeps giving. Packaged as a high quality hardcover and fully illustrated in bright colors (as well as brown), the holiday reboots include Silent but Deadly Night, The Nutcracker’s Dilemma, and The Twelve Days of Poopmas,” says the description. Is this a prank, or are these people nuts? I could not in a million years imagine my parents allowing me to have this, or any of the other items listed in the post. Nor would I have given these to my own kids or my grandchildren.
9. We mustn’t omit the Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo official video on YouTube.
10. Flush Force is Spinmaster’s new line of collectibles shaped like gross foods, animals, bodily emissions, and other things that end up in a toilet. There are over 150 to collect in different categories (Dump Divers, Mean Munchies, Putrid Parts).
Oh boy, wait till these lovely items are littered throughout the house, on the breakfast table, in the party punch bowl, or clogging up the real toilet.
To to find out which surprise Flushy item one buys, one fills up the toilet bowl with water, shakes, and opens the lid, according to the description. I think they mean some kind of plastic play toilet. At least I hope so.
But wait, there’s more.
The lucky owners can send their Flushies straight down the toilet with the Collect-A-Bowl! If you hit the handle, it promises to “fill the air with the sound of hilarious farts and flushes!”
11. One of the lamest ideas is a game called Poop the Potato. It’s apparently a knockoff of a party game in which one holds a real potato between the legs and waddles across the room to try dropping it in a bucket. The toy version contains a number of plastic potatoes and a plastic bucket. That’s all.
For $20 to $35? What’s wrong with using real potatoes and a wastebasket or something? What kind of idiot spends $20 or more for this? I’ll tell you — it’s the same idiots who spend $14.99 on an empty cardboard box called the Holiday Spirits Advent Calendar. YOU buy the booze and a dozen little bottles, fill them and stick them in the box as a gift.
12, You can eliminate the toy toilet and other embellishments and just go for the basics. As a grand finale, I present Sticky the Poo, by Hog Wild LLC. It’s described as a tacky, moldable “stress ball” styled like a poop emoji, that splats and sticks to most flat surfaces when flung. The ad says it’s “great for relieving tension at the office and pranking friends.”
Who needs to bundle up and go outdoors in the freezing cold for a snowball fight when one can stay in the warmth one’s own home and fling toy poops at one another. Now that’s the true spirit of Christmas!
And so endeth the Twelve Days of Poopmas. I don’t even want to know what they’re planning for next year’s holidays.
May your own holidays be poop-free and happy.
offeringstone 