The 12 Abominations of Christmas

Every year, there are tackier and more tasteless offerings for celebrating the Christmas season.

Although I’m pagan/Unitarian Universalist, I’m as offended by them as Christians might be. Sure, some of these commercial products could be howlingly funny, particularly for eight-year-olds, in a different context. Sadly they make a mockery out of a major religious holiday celebrated around the world. Corporate America truly has done a bang-up job in turning Christmas into little more than a crass shopping competition.

I set forth for your consideration the Twelve Abominations of Christmas.

Abomination I

Take, for example, the colorful poop emoji tree ornaments being sold for $1 apiece at Five Below. Isn’t this exactly what folks need to mark the birth of Jesus? I spotted this revolting item in a store circular. Admittedly, Five Below is not a bastion of good taste. They peddle gaudy hot pink and purple fashion accessories and other foreign-made junk to pre-teens. You don’t even need to venture into a store: a similar-looking poop emoji ornament on Amazon sells for a mere $15.88.

Abomination II

Worse, there’s a 2018 Hallmark Sparkle Swirl Poop Emoji Christmas Ornament. Hallmark, for heaven’s sake. Have they no shame?

It appears the poop emoji has been a busy little holiday elf in the workshops of Asia. You can buy T-shirts featuring poop emoji dressed as a Christmas tree.

Abomination III

Even flashier is the festive Poop Emoji Led Lights Christmas T-Shirt, in both adult and infant sizes, just to make sure everyone knows you are cognizant of the Reason for the Season. And unfortunately in these times the reason is the poop emoji, heaven help us all.

Abomination IV

There are poop emoji holiday tablecloths and Christmas stockings and, unfortunately, a Christmas tree skirt dotted with purple you know whats. And then there is a toy called the Remote Control Poop Car With Spinning and Farting Action. Wouldn’t it make a fine Christmas present? Wrap it in Poop Emoji holiday wrapping paper and lay it on the purple poop emoji tree skirt, beneath a tree decked in sparkling poop emoji ornaments.

Abomination V

In keeping with the holiday spirit, I found a Christmas Plush Emoji Red Santa Poop Hat that everyone could wear while ripping into their packages.

Abomination VI

The nadir of tree horror is without question the Santa Elf Hat Poop Emoji Farting to Jingle Bells. Requires two batteries. Doesn’t that just SCREAM with Christmas spirit?

Abomination VII

Not to be outdone by the poop emoji in the tree ornament department, Mr. Hanky of South Park has got himself up in a plush brown covering topped with a Santa hat. There’s a matching Mrs. Hanky.

Abomination VIII

According to Amazon, the holiday Mr. Hanky is frequently purchased together with the fuzzy Tekky Toys Tootin Santa Farting Santa Butt Holiday Ornament. You press the button, and it toots “Deck the Halls.” I suppose we should be thankful that it’s not “Silent Night.”

Abomination IX

All the above would be disgustingly perfect on the right kind of tree. And that special tree could very well be the Redneck Nation Plunger Christmas Tree. Yep, a toilet plunger with fake evergreen branches. Tragically, this plunger is not designed for actual use.

Is there no end to the evil genius novelty companies?

But wait, there’s more!

What child wouldn’t be delighted with a traditional Advent calendar that counts the days until Christmas? I remember receiving pretty holiday calendars a a child. They held  miniature chocolates or trinkets hidden behind little cardboard doors marking each day from the beginning of Advent through Christmas Eve. No doubt most modern kids would find these fairly tame, if they even bothered  looking up from their electronic screens.

Abomination X

But in keeping with the spirit of the times, there’s an L.O.L. Surprise Outfit of the Day advent calendar with tiny fashion items concealed behind pictures of suitcases and tote bags. While hardly religious, they do salute the excessive mass consumerism that too many Americans celebrate. And if fashion accessories are not your kid’s cup of tea, Tar-ZHAY helpfully sells other Advent calendars with themes like Lego Star Wars, Paw Patrol and Jurassic World. Dinosaurs and Jesus, perfect together.

For older kids there are 12 Days of Socks and 12 Days of Nail Polish Advent calendars. Only the bozos who designed these somehow forgot that Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas and is closer to a month long, not 12 days.

I wondered if they sell pet Advent calendars with little hidden treats. I’m deeply sorry to report that there are loads of pet advent calendars available both online and in stores. Undoubtedly these items are for those upright God-fearing Christians intent on training upright, God-fearing dogs and cats, as Jesus, no doubt, would want.

For the grownups, there are all kinds of luxury Advent calendars loaded with upscale beauty products, colognes, fancy chocolates, rare teas and other expensive treats fit for a Kardashian.

Abomination XI

Then there’s the Holiday Spirits Advent Calendar, which consists of a meagerly decorated cardboard box with a lid and cardboard dividers. You supply both the alcohol and a dozen small bottles, fill the bottles and set them into the 12 slots. These kits are $14.99 each, plus shipping, for an empty cardboard box. Can you believe there are people who buy this stuff? Couldn’t the sellers at least include little bottles, for pity’s sake?

At least I have not found a Poop Emoji Advent calendar. Not yet.

Abomination XII

Nor have they dared mess with Nativity figurines thus far, although the gnome nativity set cuts it pretty close. However there is a Nativity Ugly Xmas Sweater, featuring Santa in place of Joseph. More appalling is the Tipsy Elves Men’s Sweet Baby Jesus Ugly Christmas Sweater, which displays a bearded infant Jesus strapped in a modern baby carrier.

But what can you expect from a Corporate America that markets and sells small kitchen appliances specifically to make grilled cheese sandwiches imprinted with the face of Jesus?

And don’t you wonder about the poor people toiling away in those overseas sweatshops churning out cheap goods for us? What must they think of us? Are they quietly snickering at the plastic poop emojis, fancy pet costumes, hideous toys and other nonsense that rolls off the production lines? Or do these things support their deep conviction that Americans are nincompoops?

Next:

The Abominable Toys of Christmas